Why I Didn’t Trust Myself to Make Decisions (and What If It’s All Okay?)
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver
Lately, I’ve been taking time to think well-nigh what I actually want. Not what I “should” want or what other people want for me.
One thing I have learned is that mistakes happen when you segregate not to follow your inner guidance system. The problem is that, for many years, I chose not to listen to mine.
Whenever it screamed and pulled at me, drastic to get my sustentation (“Don’t purchase a car from that shady car dealership! Don’t go out with that person who makes you finger very uneasy! Don’t spend thousands of dollars on a stratum that doesn’t make you happy!”), I would simply override it. I would tune out everything my gut was telling me, and instead, justify in my throne why doing xyz would be a perfectly fine idea.
After unbearable of these experiences piled up, rather than arriving at the realization that I willfully chose to ignore my intuition and that’s what got me into trouble… I arrived at a somewhat variegated conclusion. I decided that I simply wasn’t good at making decisions.
So I stopped trusting myself. Before making an important visualization well-nigh anything, I’d unchangingly have flipside person “validate” it. You know, just in case. My justification was, if I end up making a totally messed up decision, well, I don’t need to finger too immensely well-nigh it since it was backed by flipside human being. Evading personal responsibility at its best.
Now, short term, this sort of worked.
The people offering guidance and helping me with my decisions were sound-of-mind individuals who cared well-nigh me. In fact, some of their guidance was largely salubrious to me, and I’m glad I listened.
The thing is, while listening to others can be very helpful, it should not be used as a crutch. If someone gently encourages you to make a visualization that you know, deep down, is good for you, that is perfectly fine. However, if you are relying solely on input from others considering you’re afraid to make the “wrong decision,” that needs to be examined.
Three problems started to slowly upspring for me.
One, I started to lose my own voice. I started to forget my own taste and what I liked, disliked, well-set with, or disagreed with. I convinced myself that I honestly didn’t know. But oh, I knew. I just was terrified of whereas it to others, much less myself.
Two, there were occasionally moments where someone’s translating did not resonate with what I wanted. Wait, disagreeing with someone?! Feeling like I might have a separate, completely valid opinion that is variegated than flipside human’s?? TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.
And three, unconnectedness ensued when multiple people had multiple opinions well-nigh how I should live my life. And every single person expected me to honor their translating and guidance. And oh my god, what do I plane do now?
After years of dealing with the uneasiness caused by trying to do everything everyone wanted, as well as the deep peepers that arose as I realized I had wilt a former shell of who I was, unsure of who I was or what I wanted, I knew that something needed to change. I was lost and slipping away.
I started making small decisions. It felt terrifying.
I would like to buy this shirt. I would like to eat sushi for lunch. I would like to stay in this evening, rather than go out.
Little wins for self-advocacy!
Then I started making worthier decisions.
I would like a new job. I would like to stop “hustling” during my non-work hours and just do things that make me happy. I’d like to take increasingly abstract, nature photos than cookie-cutter family photos.
With each little visualization I made, I moreover made sure to pay tropical sustentation to how I was feeling.
If I felt a tightness in my chest and a feeling of uneasiness, I would pay sustentation to that. I’d think to myself, “You know what, brain… I know you might object to this for various reasons, but the heart is telling me to steer well-spoken of this decision.”
I slowly started rhadamanthine much increasingly enlightened of everything my soul was feeling at any given moment.
I moreover started to realize something else. Maybe there truly are no “shoulds.”
No matter what visualization you make, there will be someone who is all for it and someone who disagrees completely. There are thousands of choices that a person can make in a day. It’s literally untellable to guarantee that everyone will like or legitimatize of all of these little choices. From the visualization to order a cinnamon dulce latte at Starbucks (yes, I see all you Dunkin’ Donuts diehards out there cringing), to the visualization to dye your hair purple.
What well-nigh the plane worthier decisions? Such as the nomination to work a unrepealable job, have a family or not have a family, follow a unrepealable political party, etc.
What if the whole point is to simply live in vibrations with our values, and honor other peoples’ desire to do the same?
What if it is literally all okay?
To plant lanugo roots. To fly with wings.
To be financially well-healed and have increasingly than you could need. To have just unbearable to live happily and comfortably.
To be tall, short, skinny, fat, lean, muscular, and everything in between.
To live on your own or to live with others. To be in a relationship or to be single. To work sixty hours a week or five hours a week. To have a job you venerate or a job that pays the bills.
To be a work in progress. To be sure. To be unsure.
To still be learning. To still be searching. To be saved. To not believe. To be straight, gay, bi, or none of the above. To love men. To love women. To love animals. To simply love.
What if it is okay to have nonflexible yearing and dreams that are larger than life?
What if it is okay to have soft yearing and dreams that are just right, which make us happy and honor our capacity?
What if it is okay to not have any “ambitions,” per se, and to simply focus on cultivating habits rather than reaching goals?
To wits satisfaction on our own terms without needing to prove anything to anyone, ever.
What if stuff unbearable isn’t well-nigh trying to be everything to everyone? Rather, it is well-nigh stuff who you want to be, unstoppably, and nothing more?
About Jamie Haas Powell
Jamie Haas Powell is a flexibility mentor and Latin flit instructor who resides in Northern NJ. She started a movement, NJHeARTs, which combines arts and sponsorship to raise sensation for domestic abuse. In her self-ruling time, she loves playing her ukulele, dancing, going to the beach, and eating tacos. You can find increasingly of her daily thoughts here.
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